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Wednesday, August 14th, 2002

Time:10:04 pm.
okay, I have a few moments and I thought I give a more detailed update. I have to be at work in about half hour, which is a big change, yup I'm a graveyard shift security guard at Gateway. It is awesome and it pays well and it's definitely not brain surgery, I get to do homework and read and stuff which makes it perfect. Walk around and read, I couldn't have found anything better. But i'm bored and frustrated here too. My latest obsession is fashion magazines and clothes and I am all up on the latest trends, I don't know If it's something I'm really interested in or maybe it's a passing phase, all I know is it's kind of weird right now. I'm not going to school in the fall!! Which is so crazy, and a long story, cuz I thought I HAD to, and I was feeling totally depressed and trapped in this STUPID STUPID AWFUL place, but maybe not. Cause I decided it was time to stop whining, get a job and move... which is why I'm moving to Chicago in six weeks!!! Granted, I need a job and a place to live and I have no idea what I'm doing, but I am so happy to just be trying, something... well, better go guard that whirring machinery...
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Subject:hey kids im back
Time:9:42 pm.
so it's been forever, since april. Which apparently, is the cruelest month. And apparently people have actually read this thing including everyone I know and much juicy gossip has been inferred by my ramblings here. written in a sort of post-break up confessional gushing cry for help mode, I'm a little bit busier these days. Not that life is incredibly exciting.
I decided today to move to Chicago in six weeks. That's the BIG news. I'm so excited i don't know what to write it seems pointless. This is such a big deal for me, such a big deal. Wish me luck.
Manders
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Thursday, April 11th, 2002

Time:1:17 am.
hmmm not much going on except that I am super puffy girl, I had to buy new pants today because nothing fits and I had nothing to wear to work, my throat is killing me and since I quit taking my effexor, my irritability came right back, so I started taking it again, I'd rather be a little manic than feel like this all the time.
Chatting with Mel online. I feel like going out to coffee. I also feel like getting in bed and doing nothing, cuz I know I wouldn't fall asleep. Semester ends in like three weeks, I am so stressed.
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Monday, April 8th, 2002

Time:1:44 am.
It's been forever since I've posted anything. Things just got so wonderfully boring, absolutely zero drama and I just painted and made lots of art and went to school most of the time. I finally got a job, the one at the icing, it's a retail mall job, not the greatest, but I like the part where I show up and I get money for it, cuz I'm sooo sick of being broKE.
I'm working on homework, I was bad and guzzled a can of red bull at nine o'clock so I could write a paper on "problems and prospects in latin america" for my twentieth century history class.
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Wednesday, March 27th, 2002

Subject:randomthingsihavebeendoinginsteadoflisteninginclass
Time:3:43 pm.
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Wednesday, March 6th, 2002

Time:8:19 pm.
it's been a while since I've posted anything here, mostly because my life has been amazingly boring, in a really good no drama kind of way, It's a little strange, knock on wood, but it's good. I went to kickboxing tonight, it was sooo fun, we got to put on the gloves tonight and everything. I felt soo tough, I am going to hurt so bad tomorrow.
I had a job interview, too, those are always so weird, It went really well, and now I have to do the hard part, um actually work, and figure out that whole "saving money" thing.
I'm going to do homework now.
The other thing is, I've really been liking school, for like two weeks, but still. I'm really scared of slipping up, but I just have to stay focused, next week is spring break, and I have a lot to do over spring break. I have to write a term paper on a contreversial subject in the arts, so I think I'm going to write about government funding of the arts. I also have to come up with a thesis for my American Lit paper, I think I'd like to write it on the yellow wallpaper or the Awakening.
So If I get this job I get to wear cheezy trendy clothes and have silly hair, that sounds like lots of fun.
Since I've been enjoying school, I've been thinking about staying another year, because I'm terrified of graduating, and I need to know that I can deal with my shit, that I can get my financial stuff together, that I can keep a job... and It'll give me time to fix the F's I have on my transcripts, and take graphic design classes, and electives. I really like the professor for my Women's Human Right's class, and she's the head of the political science department, I never thought I 'd be excited about the idea of taking a political science class, but I think I'd like to.
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Thursday, February 28th, 2002

Time:4:47 pm.
I am sooo busy lately, trying to catch up with school, I've been studying, studying, studying all week.
We had to put rudy down yesterday, it was really sad. I feel really bad for my mom, she really loves our dogs, I can tell she was really upset. I couldn't go with her, I don't know if I could have handled it, but at least Rudy didn't suffer, our last dog went through a really hard time before we put her down, cuz there was a small chance she might have recovered, and I just think my mom didn't want to let go. That dog was my mom's wine drinking buddy.
It's a full moon.
I'm meeting Jessica on Saturday to work on lithography for my printmaking class, I really need to get some prints made.
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Monday, February 25th, 2002

Time:12:07 pm.
I am feeling all manic-y and anxious, it is such an icky feeling, it makes me not want to go anywhere, except fer maybe shopping, but I know that's the last thing I should do when I feel like this. I called Colin last night to see if he wanted to go for coffee, he said he was too tired, but he was really nice. I really miss him, but the thing is, lately I don't think I want a relationship, a romantic one, cuz I am just to busy sorting out all of my stuff, what I need is a friend, I really don't see my friends very much, and I don't really have any really close friends, I mean I know some great people, but I'm so all over the place right now... It is so hard to focus on school, it feels so impossible, when I started this semester I was so focused and so on track, and then I had to go and completely lose the plot.
Spring Break is in two weeks, and I'm glad, I'm gonna paint the floor in my studio and completely clean the basement, somehow.
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Sunday, February 24th, 2002

Time:3:45 pm.
it's sunday. and im lazy. trying to convince myself to do some yoga...
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Saturday, February 23rd, 2002

Time:11:03 pm.
ack. just got back from the comedy club, it was really painful. god, aren't gender roles soooo hilarious. It was like absolutely two hours of "men and women are soooooo different...." it was so pukey boring. I am very pissy now, it's a good thing I don't drink anymore. It was my brothers fifteenth birthday, I think when I was fifteen I got to see up with people, and that was more entertaining. oooh aren't those nebraskans silly? grrrrr. I am going to watch trading spaces and download bjork videos now.
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Time:5:47 pm.
Mood: okay.
well it's the weekend. I haven't worked out today, I really should, I definitely will tomorrow morning. I'm going to stay home and make collages tonight, well after I go to this comedy club for my brothers birthday, I'm guessing it's gonna really suck, a lot. Programmed my computer to record all the buffy episodes this week, and for some reason I finally got my sound card working.
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Friday, February 22nd, 2002

Subject:long week...
Time:11:03 pm.
Mood:hyper.
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<a href="http://www.angelfire.com/space/cake001/3dbaby"><this is the weird little movie thing i made last summer.></a>

i have been totally into the olympics, its sooo cheesy but i just start crying. and i've become upsettingly fanatical about the two hours of Buffy on FX everyday, well, when Ihave a life again things willbe different. Igot an awesome new yoga tape this week, and took cardio kickboxing, I feel really great.
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Tuesday, February 19th, 2002

Time:7:28 pm.
back from the gym, i really worked out and now I'm going to watch the episodes of Buffy I taped off of FX. There's nothing to eat, I ran out of bread for peanut butter toast. I need a job. i hate looking for jobs, having one isn't to bad, but looking for one really sucks, especially cuz i'll probably end up at the mall, i'll work at claire's or something so i can watch fourteen year olds shoplift all day. I'm so sick of being depressed. grrrr.
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Sunday, February 17th, 2002

Subject:im back
Time:1:27 pm.
Mood: tired.
well, I have been in full on, do-nothing mode since valentines day, which was all about the chocolate ice cream and c-span, oh yeah. i watched th anniversary party and One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest and American Pie 2 last night, a lot of movies, i started Mansfield park but fell asleep, finally. i went over to Colin's to get my bike after I ate a bag and a half of parmesan garlic potato chips and he was really nice to me, we ddidn't talk about anything serious but it ws nice to see him, and then i came home and watched movies, periiodically bursting into tears, cuz i think he might actually call me, but i don't want to call him, it's just not my place, so i've been just trying to get through, not going out, not smoking pot, not drinking. it is harder than i thought. i went over to pete and Holly's on Friday, Holly and ted and Shimmering were there, it was really nice i talked to them and they were all really supportive and sweet, they are such good people. ted tried to convince me to switch my PC over to linux, which doesn't sound like a bad idea. pete's really into it right now, and I'm sure they'd come over all the time to help me. i'm jut so frustrated with my computers, so i took a break from them for a few days. next project: learn flash. I need to start making videos again, I made a quicktime video of the as yet untitled video I made last summer, i'll post a link to it soon, i'm really proud of it, i have a few other little projects somewhere that i want to find, and put on a webpage. i am going to the student show with my mom and terri today, they want to see some of my work, which makes me feel really weird, cuz the work I have up right now is pretty crazy out there and personal, and then we're going to the art center to see the shows there, which I guess are really interesting. there's a whole floor with a fiber show with all these crazy outfits i guess, I'm excited about that. I keep gaining weight and my pants keep getting tighter, It wouldn' be such a big deal, except I can't afford to buy any new clothes. i don't diet, but i need to work out and start going to yoga and pilates everyday, I love it when I go anyways, but once you get out of the habit, it's really hard. I need a gym bag. Well, thingss are okay, they're just kind of going along at their own pace, and i do feel like i'm figuring some stuff about myself... really slowly.
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Wednesday, February 13th, 2002

Time:7:32 pm.
I wrote colin a long letter, which I think I will type out and put up a link to later, it is very personal, but I think I wouldn't mind if other people dealing with the kind of stuff I talked about in my journal read it, I'm also giving him a copy of Weetzie Bat, I'm not sure why. I am going out to coffee with Megan tonight, and I have a midterm tomorrow, she's going to help me with it. I was really bummed out earlier about valentines day and I felt lame for feeling lame, but i think I'll be okay.
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Time:9:45 am.
Mood: calm.
ugh, valentines day is tomorrow, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself, I really want to make some valentines by hand, and write Colin a letter, but I have no I dea when I'll have time. I don't think I have my Women's Human Rights class today, so that should give me some extra time to get random stuff done. My head doesn't hurt today, so I feel a lot better about that, I was really worried yesterday. I'm nervous about coffee with Megan tonight. Mel should be back in town soon, I'm supposed to call her, I'm nervous about that too.
I don't know exactly what i'm going to say in the letter I'll give to Colin, maybe that I care about him and I know that the best thing I can do right now is take care of myself and deal with my problems, and that I'm sorry for what I put him through, and I do need to figure out what is going on, I don't think I'll like magucally be Okay all the time ever, so I don't want it to sound like I'm gonna "fix" myself for him, cuz maybe we're not gonna get back together romantically, I still want to let him know I care.
I found a bunch of disks of poetry and journal entries, and some photos, from '99, that's where I found my new user pic, I'm gonna edit some of my journal entries and put them up on my website.
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Tuesday, February 12th, 2002

Time:5:33 pm.
intense day, lots of emotional stuff just lots and lots, I saw my psychologist today, and it wears me out, but she is so great I'm lucky to have found her. There's a whole lot of stuff in my life I have to face up to right now, and, I dunno, things are confusing and sad scary. We talked a lot about my substance abuse problems, which are very very common in bipolar patients. I've really scared myself too many times lately... I am going to pilates tonight, and then work on art stuff, I want to make valentines day postcards with my digital pics, and e-mail valentines. I also recently downloaded flash and I have an idea for an animation, I just have to learn how to use it! I recorded this great show on TLC last night, I don't know for sure what it was called, because I was using my video capture card and I currently don't have speakers, but one part was definitely about the history of the vibrator and there were all these neat clips of old films, I think I'm going to use some of the footage for a video project.
I asked Megan to help me study for American Lit on wednesday, I hope she calls, it was really hard to even approach her, we've been not talking for so long, and she can be cold and mean, but today genny really made me think about me, and the way I had acted, and how it was hard for Megan to deal with me when we lived together, mostly because of my drinking, I wish I had my journals from those six months I lived with her. I lived in a huge punk rock scenester house and it was so crazy, and awful really.
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Monday, February 11th, 2002

Subject:play twister!
Time:7:44 pm.
Mood: silly.

im the redhead
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Subject:Make some art!
Time:7:32 pm.
Mood: amused.
101 art ideas you can do yourself
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Subject:pictures of me in windows and other random stuff
Time:6:41 pm.




this morning
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LiveJournal for Spacecake001.

View:User Info.
View:Friends.
View:Calendar.
View:Website (My Website).
View:Memories.
You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.